You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘tech’ tag.
(How to read this post: When a number (like these ➊) appears in the text, go to the corresponding number in the key at the foot of the post and follow the directions.)
Dear Puffin,
As I spent a relaxing Saturday morning watching The Penguins of Madagascar and drinking a coffee ➊, I was confronted with a blast from the past ➋. Now, I have long complained that the biggest problem with The Penguins of Madagascar is that they’re shown on Nickelodeon, which means that you pretty much can’t avoid the Saturday morning advertising, which is broadcast directly from the pits of Hell ➌. Every time an ad for iCarly comes on I cower in fear in the corner of the sofa. But that was nothing compared the the truly frightening discovery that Smell-O-Vision has become a sinister reality! Remember Smell-O-Vision, also known as AromaRama, Scent-O-Vision or OdorAma? This shit used to be a joke, something generally accepted to be one of the worst ideas of all time. (Seriously, Time Magazine voted it one of the 100 Worst Ideas of All Time, which is actually impressive in a twisted way.)
So I guess it’s fitting that this terrible idea should be paired with an abysmal movie, such as Spy Kids 4. Which, the infernal broadcast informs me, is in ’4D AromaScope’. First problem: smell is not the 4th dimension. Smell is not a dimension at all. The 1950s have officially returned. Apparently they’ve improved the original idea a bit though. Instead of spraying the theater audience with noxious chemicals pumped in through the air system, you get a scratch and sniff card. So that’s an improvement over major flops like Scent of Mystery, but still not a winner, especially if Alonso Duralde’s experience is typical. “First things first: All eight scratch-and-sniff scents on the “Aroma-Scope” card I was handed at Spy Kids 4D: All the Time in the World smelled like Trix cereal and cardboard.”
Not a smash hit, apparently. But then, why would you want to smell along (what a bizarre phrase to find myself typing!) to a generic action movie like Spy Kids 4? Surely this technology would be better for a movie that involves interesting smells. Obvious choices would be movies about food. Mystic Pizza, Julie and Julia, Chocolat, Big Night. In an action movie I don’t quite see how it would add to the experience. I mean, take The Bourne Identity, a truly great action flick. When Jason’s body is pulled out of the Mediterranean by a fishing ship are you going to try to recreate the scent of a damp, dirty fishing boat on a rainy night?➍ God I hope not. Do you have any idea what that shit smells like? Let me tell you, it does not lend verisimilitude to the cinematic experience. What it adds is a god awful stench. And what about the car chase? Do they plan to pump in the smell of burning tires and an overheating Mini-Cooper engine backed up by the smell of Paris on garbage day?➎ I hope not.
I find the future confusing Puffin. Especially when it looks so much like the past.
MacGuffin
Key
➊ This was fair trade Chocolate roast from Fresh Market. Mix up a cup of dark roast coffee grounds with a 98% cacao Lindt bar and drink it at the dead of night in the bottom of an abandoned coal mine, and you might get close to how utterly inky black my coffee really is.
➋ The musty odor of the past can best be duplicated by finding a stuffy attic or garage and inhaling deeply. Multi dealer antique stores are also a good bet.
➌ Combine 3 parts brimstone and 2 parts sulphur in a cocktail shaker, add 3 frozen condemned souls and shake. Garnish with razor wire. Pour into a large syringe and inject the mixture up your nose. This will both accurately recreate the smell of Hell and also give you a rough idea of how I feel whenever I fail to mute an iCarly or Big Time Rush ad.
➍ 3 days old Galouise smoke, fish, foot fungus, bilge water and sweat. Usually so thick you could cut it with a knife.
➎ I would guess that it smells about like Scranton when there’s a tire fire. A smell I hope never to experience again. Route 81 right next to a burning scrap yard is not a good place to be stuck in traffic in a car without working AC.
Dear Puffin
A new working week is almost upon us. Well upon you, such things don’t apply to those of us who are self unemployed. In honor of a new and shiny Monday morning, I give you a roundup of the best and worst alarm clocks imaginable. There are alarm clocks that fly, ones that make tea, ones that run away and hide forcing you to hunt all over the place for the blasted beeping devil, ones that cook you bacon, ones that force you to do math (yuk!), ones that shred cash, and one that forces you to defuse a bomb in order to turn it off. Some are unspeakably inspired, and hold the promise of a morning filled with dozy, cozy, breakfast-food-laden wonder. And some make medieval torture devices look like cuddly terrycloth duckies.
We shall begin with the latter.
See, my biggest problem is that any alarm clock will rouse me to a sufficient state of wakefulness to turn the alarm clock off. In fact I’ve gotten incredibly good at silencing my alarm clocks (all 4 of them) without actually waking up. That’s not the problem. Waking up, in fact, is not the problem at all. My problem is that somewhere between waking up and getting out of bed, I tend to lose an hour or so just snuggling down in my lovely lovely comfy bed. (Admittedly, while I desperately want to sleep in the swinging-hammock-lawnchair-nest, it would make mornings 10x more difficult). Wakefulness is only half the battle. So an alarm clock, which requires that you actually arise from bed, holds the promise of being horrifyingly effective. Yes, it’s true, you have to stand on this in order to turn it off. Designer: Sofie Collin & Gustav Lanberg.
In a similar vein Shake-up; the Dumbbell Alarm Clock forces you to lift weights in order to turn the curséd beeping off. What a barbaric way to start your morning. This is evil, pure and simple from the 8th dimension. Fred, you are based in my home state! Why do you promote such horrid torture devices???
On the other end of the spectrum we have the Teasmade alarm clock, which wakes you up in a civilized way, by brewing you a good morning cuppa. (Floral wallpaper, and tassled curtains not included). You can buy it at Swan.
This thing, however, is cruel and unusual punishment. Imagine being woken up by the nerve-shredding drone of a mosquito every fucking morning. Fortunately this abomination does not seem to be available anymore. The product page is dead. And good riddance!
The Danger Bomb Alarm Clock is… well quite clever actually, but also absolutely wicked. Theres no snooze button, and in order to stop the noise (loud recorded explosions, in case you were wondering) you have to ‘cut’ one of the wires according to a randomly generated code. I get the whole stimulate-higher-brain-function method of waking up in the morning but this seems…. excessive. It’s available in Japan, but as Engaget points out, good luck getting it through customs! And for the love of god don’t bring one back in your carry on luggage!
But then theres the Speaking Butler Alarm Clock, which uses the dulcet tones of Jeeves, aka Stephen Fry, to gently urge you out of bed. It has 126 different messages recorded by Stephen Fry hisownself. Here are some of the phrases (click on the links to hear the message):
- I’m afraid the staff have absconded sir, and it is my day off…..
- Let us seize the day and take it roughly from behind, as the Colonel used to say in his unfortunate way.
- The world has been very anxious to hear from you for the last eight hours. Shall I inform the news agencies you’re about to rise, Sir?
- I feel sure you have slept soundly, feel thoroughly refreshed, and await the day with the anticipation of an energetic gazelle.
- It is time to face the day. Shall I cancel your appointments and book a hotel for a month in Seychelles? Very good Sir.
You can get it at Thinkgeek for $69, under the name Good Morning Sir Alarm Clock, or from Hammacher Shlemmer for $99 under the name The Speaking Butler Alarm Clock. Striking similarity of product, don’t you think?
This one shreds cash until you stop hitting the snooze button. Horrifying little object!
This thing is pure evil, but it is also, fortunately, not real. But it’s a vile and cunning idea. The SnūzNLūz Wifi Donation Alarm Clock connects to your bank account over wifi and donates money to a charity you hate until you stop hitting the snooze button.
ThinkGeek, it sounds great! But how does it really work?
Glad you asked….it’s quite simple actually. The SnūzNLūz uses the very complex psychological phenomemon known as ‘HATRED’. Basically it’s human nature to wish harm upon your enemies. Similarly, it’s human nature not to give your enemies gobs of cash so that they can grow big and dominate the world with their totally wrong, stupid and invalid point of view. ThinkGeek realized that. That’s why everytime you hit the snooze button, the SnūzNLūz will donate a specified amount of your real money to a non-profit you hate. The problem of sleeping in is solved. Also, ThinkGeek people, you are evil evil monsters who should be locked up in order to prevent ideas like this from taking root in the real world!
This is The Tyrant, and it surely is aptly named. The idea is that it will shame you out of bed. You plug your cell phone into the alarm clock in the evening, and when the alarm goes off you have 3 minutes to get out of bed or it starts randomly dialing numbers in your contacts list. Alice Wang Design is responsible for this monstrosity, and if I had my way I’d rig every one of these to dial Alice Wang, personally, every morning at 5. That said I do actually think this is kind of brilliant. It would sure as hell work on me. Just a sadistic sort of brilliant. Via Unplggd.
But why end on a note that will guarantee major emotional trauma among all my readers (both of you)? I present you with balm for your bleary monday morning souls. Behold, the healing power of BACON! This wondrous invention is called the Wake N Bacon and I adore it. Unfortunately I can’t yet buy it. This is how it will work, when Matty Salin gets it to market.
Just put a couple strips of pre-cooked bacon on a paper towel in the teflon cooking tray the night before, and set the Cook Time for 4 minutes. The bacon can be left out overnight with no problem since most of the moisture has been already cooked out of it, and there’s no preservatives besides the fact that it is salt-cured and smoked like all bacon is. Set your alarm for 7am and by 7:04 your bedroom is filled with the strong aroma of cooking bacon. You can then use the included tongs to pull out the cooking tray and eat the bacon without getting your fingers greasy.
Ron Swanson needs one of these STAT! Do I think this is a fire hazard? Yes. Do I think this means horrid grease spots on your sheets? Yes. Do I care? No. Put this up on kickstarter immediately, gentlemen!
Well Puffin, I hope these will help the gainfully employed make it to their gainful employment on time. I never thought I’d say this, but I envy you all.
Love
MacGuffin
This post is Ron Swanson approved
