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Dear Puffin
A new working week is almost upon us. Well upon you, such things don’t apply to those of us who are self unemployed. In honor of a new and shiny Monday morning, I give you a roundup of the best and worst alarm clocks imaginable. There are alarm clocks that fly, ones that make tea, ones that run away and hide forcing you to hunt all over the place for the blasted beeping devil, ones that cook you bacon, ones that force you to do math (yuk!), ones that shred cash, and one that forces you to defuse a bomb in order to turn it off. Some are unspeakably inspired, and hold the promise of a morning filled with dozy, cozy, breakfast-food-laden wonder. And some make medieval torture devices look like cuddly terrycloth duckies.
We shall begin with the latter.
See, my biggest problem is that any alarm clock will rouse me to a sufficient state of wakefulness to turn the alarm clock off. In fact I’ve gotten incredibly good at silencing my alarm clocks (all 4 of them) without actually waking up. That’s not the problem. Waking up, in fact, is not the problem at all. My problem is that somewhere between waking up and getting out of bed, I tend to lose an hour or so just snuggling down in my lovely lovely comfy bed. (Admittedly, while I desperately want to sleep in the swinging-hammock-lawnchair-nest, it would make mornings 10x more difficult). Wakefulness is only half the battle. So an alarm clock, which requires that you actually arise from bed, holds the promise of being horrifyingly effective. Yes, it’s true, you have to stand on this in order to turn it off. Designer: Sofie Collin & Gustav Lanberg.
In a similar vein Shake-up; the Dumbbell Alarm Clock forces you to lift weights in order to turn the curséd beeping off. What a barbaric way to start your morning. This is evil, pure and simple from the 8th dimension. Fred, you are based in my home state! Why do you promote such horrid torture devices???
On the other end of the spectrum we have the Teasmade alarm clock, which wakes you up in a civilized way, by brewing you a good morning cuppa. (Floral wallpaper, and tassled curtains not included). You can buy it at Swan.
This thing, however, is cruel and unusual punishment. Imagine being woken up by the nerve-shredding drone of a mosquito every fucking morning. Fortunately this abomination does not seem to be available anymore. The product page is dead. And good riddance!
The Danger Bomb Alarm Clock is… well quite clever actually, but also absolutely wicked. Theres no snooze button, and in order to stop the noise (loud recorded explosions, in case you were wondering) you have to ‘cut’ one of the wires according to a randomly generated code. I get the whole stimulate-higher-brain-function method of waking up in the morning but this seems…. excessive. It’s available in Japan, but as Engaget points out, good luck getting it through customs! And for the love of god don’t bring one back in your carry on luggage!
But then theres the Speaking Butler Alarm Clock, which uses the dulcet tones of Jeeves, aka Stephen Fry, to gently urge you out of bed. It has 126 different messages recorded by Stephen Fry hisownself. Here are some of the phrases (click on the links to hear the message):
- I’m afraid the staff have absconded sir, and it is my day off…..
- Let us seize the day and take it roughly from behind, as the Colonel used to say in his unfortunate way.
- The world has been very anxious to hear from you for the last eight hours. Shall I inform the news agencies you’re about to rise, Sir?
- I feel sure you have slept soundly, feel thoroughly refreshed, and await the day with the anticipation of an energetic gazelle.
- It is time to face the day. Shall I cancel your appointments and book a hotel for a month in Seychelles? Very good Sir.
You can get it at Thinkgeek for $69, under the name Good Morning Sir Alarm Clock, or from Hammacher Shlemmer for $99 under the name The Speaking Butler Alarm Clock. Striking similarity of product, don’t you think?
This one shreds cash until you stop hitting the snooze button. Horrifying little object!
This thing is pure evil, but it is also, fortunately, not real. But it’s a vile and cunning idea. The SnūzNLūz Wifi Donation Alarm Clock connects to your bank account over wifi and donates money to a charity you hate until you stop hitting the snooze button.
ThinkGeek, it sounds great! But how does it really work?
Glad you asked….it’s quite simple actually. The SnūzNLūz uses the very complex psychological phenomemon known as ‘HATRED’. Basically it’s human nature to wish harm upon your enemies. Similarly, it’s human nature not to give your enemies gobs of cash so that they can grow big and dominate the world with their totally wrong, stupid and invalid point of view. ThinkGeek realized that. That’s why everytime you hit the snooze button, the SnūzNLūz will donate a specified amount of your real money to a non-profit you hate. The problem of sleeping in is solved. Also, ThinkGeek people, you are evil evil monsters who should be locked up in order to prevent ideas like this from taking root in the real world!
This is The Tyrant, and it surely is aptly named. The idea is that it will shame you out of bed. You plug your cell phone into the alarm clock in the evening, and when the alarm goes off you have 3 minutes to get out of bed or it starts randomly dialing numbers in your contacts list. Alice Wang Design is responsible for this monstrosity, and if I had my way I’d rig every one of these to dial Alice Wang, personally, every morning at 5. That said I do actually think this is kind of brilliant. It would sure as hell work on me. Just a sadistic sort of brilliant. Via Unplggd.
But why end on a note that will guarantee major emotional trauma among all my readers (both of you)? I present you with balm for your bleary monday morning souls. Behold, the healing power of BACON! This wondrous invention is called the Wake N Bacon and I adore it. Unfortunately I can’t yet buy it. This is how it will work, when Matty Salin gets it to market.
Just put a couple strips of pre-cooked bacon on a paper towel in the teflon cooking tray the night before, and set the Cook Time for 4 minutes. The bacon can be left out overnight with no problem since most of the moisture has been already cooked out of it, and there’s no preservatives besides the fact that it is salt-cured and smoked like all bacon is. Set your alarm for 7am and by 7:04 your bedroom is filled with the strong aroma of cooking bacon. You can then use the included tongs to pull out the cooking tray and eat the bacon without getting your fingers greasy.
Ron Swanson needs one of these STAT! Do I think this is a fire hazard? Yes. Do I think this means horrid grease spots on your sheets? Yes. Do I care? No. Put this up on kickstarter immediately, gentlemen!
Well Puffin, I hope these will help the gainfully employed make it to their gainful employment on time. I never thought I’d say this, but I envy you all.
Love
MacGuffin
This post is Ron Swanson approved
Dear Puffin
Little known fact: I love silhouettes. I also love movie ephemera and art based on comics, tv shows, movies, etc. So Olly Moss’s Paper Cuts are basically a win-win for me. I found the Calvin and Hobbes one on Epbot and then went on a massive Olly Moss rampage. First I found the Paper Cuts blog and found all these, which were recently featured in a solo show at Gallery 1988. Can you recognize them all?
But then I found more and more stuff from Olly, and now I want to be his concubine. He came up with the Panic and Freak Out mug, that I adore, and can be purchased here.
He also did a series of video game posters based on old Penguin book covers which are EXCELLENT
And Raphi, this is for you:
So yeah, I think I love this guy.
MacGuffin
UPDATE: I also found this, which I think speaks for itself
Dear Puffin
I found something cool today. It’s a series of paired photographs from Mark Laita’s collection Created Equal. What he’s done is juxtapose photos of polar opposites (the baptist minister and the Klansmen, for example) while also showing their similarities.
In America, the chasm between rich and poor is growing, the clash between conservatives and liberals is strengthening, and evil and good seem more polarized than ever before. At the heart of this collection of diptychs is my desire to remind us that we are all equal, until our environment, circumstances or fate molded and weathered us into whom we have become.
Some of the pairings are delightfully funny, like this one, titled Fur Trapper/Woman With Dog. (Frankly, while the trapper is totally BA, that lady scares the living daylights out of me. She looks predatory. I’ll bet she eats shredded credit cards for breakfast)
Or this one, Mariachi Band/Elvis Impersonators (I feel like if you just retitled it Mariachi Band vs Elvis Impersonators you’d have the makings of a really good comic strip)
Or how about Astronaut/Alien Abductee
Others are interesting and yet quite amusing, like Polygamist/Pimp.
And others are simply very very revealing of something, although I’m not exactly sure what.
Company President/Janitor
Bank Robber/Deputies
Homeless Man/Real Estate Developer
Somehow I find these utterly fascinating Puffin.
Much love
MacGuffin (with a hat tip to Andy Sullivan, who originally found these)
It’s Star Wars! It’s steam-punk-esque! It’s our first ever caption contest with actual prizes!
I say, Puffin:
Have you seen these fantastic Victorian portraits of Star Wars characters by Greg Peltz? I adore them, but they seem to be begging for captions, so I shall solicit input from the wider world. I’ve already put some ideas up, but we know enough fabulous people that I’m sure someone will improve on my lackadaisical labels. What can I say, it’s pouring rain and my feathers are ruffled. The person with the best single caption gets a six pack of Granny Squibb’s Iced Tea. Leave your captions in the comments, along with a way to reach you (twitter name, email, your blog, whatever). You will be judged by mysterious people (possibly us, possibly not us), according to inscrutable standards. Sounds like fun, right? RIGHT!
It’s against my programming to impersonate a deity.
No disintegrations? Yeah. Sure.
Compared to my be-monocled spiffitude, you are nothing but a scruffy looking nerf-herder
Bring me a scantily clad human female in a metal bikini. At once!
You may dispense with the pleasantries, Commander. I’m here to put you back on schedule….. The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am.
Submit comments until Sunday night (5/22), at which time I (or someone else) will pick the winners, or, if we can’t chose, we will open it up for a vote.
Puffin, I must, sadly, prohibit you from playing among the kids. It just wouldn’t be fair to them. While I know your captions will be the best, and I know we shall chuckle over them on AIM later tonight, you are not in the running for a six pack of crack iced tea.
Love
MacGuffin (who will bring you your very own six pack when she sees you on Monday)
Dear Puffin
Somehow my brain is not on track and I can only seem to think in bite sized chunks. So here are some bite sized bits of random from around the internet:
A Ministry of Silly Walks minimalist poster by Daniel Norris. Because obviously:
A Game of Thrones infographic, for those of us who have trouble keeping the 7000 plots and 20,000 POV characters straight. It’s nowhere near good enough, but it’s a little bit of fun. Click to embiggen:
There is a whole website of Tom Haverfoods, which makes me happy on so many levels….
In honor of May 4th, aka Star Wars Day, I have some new Star Wars propaganda posters by Cliff Chiang:
And these are from Joe Corroney:
The most cutest Star Wars art that has ever or will ever be made from James Hance. His daughter is suffering from a rare medical condition so buy a print to help them out and also because look at them! They’re awesome!
The first ever Zombie-proof house. It goes from this:
To this:
It has a freaking drawbridge Puff. We need to live here. Liquidate all our assets. How much do we have left from that job in outer Mongolia?
Travis Pitt’s minimalist Robocop poster:
And Peter Weller’s thought on Detroit’s totally pressing need for a Robocop statue, which is actually happening by the way, and the world will be better for it.
Something that I desperately want- it’s a paper art thingy of the Doctor and Madame du Pompadour dancing and I love it! From etsyer Shake the Dust.
The gifs have been exploding on Tumblr lately. Robert Downey Jr is irritable and Tom Baker is awesome:
And this is the biggest/best eye roll ever. I save it for people I need to truly scorn.
A minimalist Thor poster by Dave Williams! Because May 6th is finally coming!!! Asdfghljk!
Tetris sugar cubes. Yeah.
Hopefully at some point in the near future my brain will return from its safari and let me form coherent thoughts. The passing of HR3 will, I’m sure, result in some major ranting. In the meantime I leave you with this, which warms my heart.
Love
MacGuffin
Dear Puffin
Go check out We Say Gay, a site set up by Tennessee students to oppose SB0049.
“Tennessee is trying to pass bill SB0049. The “Don’t Say Gay” bill would prohibit speaking about homosexuality at middle schools and elementary schools, while talking about heterosexuality would be fine (‘(2) Notwithstanding any other law to the contrary, no public elementary or middle school shall provide any instruction or material that discusses sexual orientation other than heterosexuality.’) Kids at my nephew’s high school are protesting it. The bill goes to vote tomorrow.”
Via BoingBoing:
Head over to We Say Gay to support these students- both the ones targeted by the bill and the ones who are so valiantly fighting against it on behalf of their fellow students. This is wonderful and it’s so great to see young kids with their priorities in order.
Please sign the petition, subscribe to the blog, plug it any way you can. This is wonderful and gives me some hope that maybe the world isn’t totally screwed. If kids like this still exist then maybe there’s hope for us after all.
These kids earn a whole pile of gold stars.
Love
MacGuffin
Dear Puffin
I have made a wonderful discovery! Shaun Usher, the man behind Letters of Note and Letterheady, has a new tumblr called Scaffoldage. He describes it as a “niche photo blog” about “skeletal archiporn” and frankly it’s amazing. I’ve poked around for a while and these are my faves:
There are tons and tons more. Such beautiful images from such mundane materials Puffin. I’m inspired, I really am.
Love
MacGuffin
Dear Puffin
I may have mentioned that I am slightly stressed about my impending thesis. As my blood pressure rises I have been trying to cope by fantasizing about all the lovely ways I will spend my free time once this horrible looming menace is no longer part of my life.
The first thing I will do is order one of these giant hanging bird’s nest swing hammock things from Dedon.
If you are about to ask me where I shall hang it in my 400 sq foot studio in Manhattan, my answer will be an instruction to shut your damn cake hole and stop puncturing my fantasies. This thing, whatever it is (it’s called the NestRest, apparently), represents everything I want in life right now.
EVERYTHING!
Love
MacGuffin
Heartbreaking update: it costs $15,000! How can it possibly cost $15,000? What the hell is it made of?
Dear Puffin
Please forgive my little dalliance with professional sports. I don’t know what came over me (oh wait, yes I do). Anyway, these delightful additions to the nerd shrine art gallery chez MacGuffin represent a return to form. Today I added some lovely minimalist Doctor Who posters to my collection. Voila!
I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Especially when I tell you that there are more here.
Love
MacGuffin
Dear Puffin
While I would never want to lose my legs, the opportunity to swim around in this would be a pretty awesome silver lining.
This was developed by Weta, for Nadya Veesey, a double leg amputee.
Vessey was born with a condition that meant her legs would never develop properly, but began swimming after she had her first leg amputated at seven. Despite having her other leg amputated at 16, she swam competitively in high school and now swims as often as she can.
The unique articulated construction of the tail will allow Vessey to propel herself through the water with an undulating movement as if she was a mermaid.
Every aspect of the tail has been custom made to Vessey’s body using a blend of 3D modelling and milling technology, combined with Vi Vac vacforming, and a poly carbonate spine and tail fin. The skin of the tail has been made from a layer of neoprene and a lycra outer-layer digitally printed with a stunning ‘scale’ pattern, that was designed by one of our concept artists.
I just think this is wonderful
Love
MacGuffin
