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Dear Puffin,
Here, as promised, is my PETA rant. I shall begin with a question: what the actual fuck is this?
Good heavens, it’s a disembodied vagina-purse. What a perfect example of objectification!
In this case I guess the idea is to demonize the wearing of fur. Apparently this has something to do with the guardsmen’s great big hats in the UK, but whatever, I don’t think it really matters. PETA doesn’t usually need an excuse to trot out a hyper-sexualized ‘awareness campaign’, usually one that bears a suspicious resemblance to soft-core porn.
So fur is bad. Except that huge general statements like that are never, ever, correct. Wearing the skins of animals that were killed for the fur industry? Probably bad. Killing so many animals that the species becomes endangered? Definitely bad. Purchasing animal products of any kind that were obtained inhumanely? Bad. Buying an old or antique fur hat? Probably not bad. Not doing your homework and not knowing where your fur came from? Bad. Fur is just like conflict diamonds. There is fur out there that is just fine for humans to use and which is sourced responsibly, both from an environmental and cruelty point of view. And it sounds like the fur for the guardsmen’s hats is actually sourced pretty responsibly. The pelts are taken from the bodies of bears killed in the Canadian government’s annual cull, which is carried out by native Innuit hunters and which is necessary to keep the bear population at a sustainable level. That’s actually way more responsible than most government programs.
But OK, fine. For the purposes of this discussion, maybe it is better for the already-dead bears to be buried (or burned, or eaten, or whatever) with their skins on. So the message is that animal fur belongs on animals, not on humans. Which is sort of something I can agree with, I guess.
But how the hell did we make the jump to pubic hair?
I’ll tell you how we made that jump. It’s because a waxing salon sponsored the fucking ad.
Wanna know what that tiny text at the bottom says?
Fugly or FURgly? It is no secret that Strip: Ministry of Waxing is against fur – be it on our skin, bags, coats or shoes. Strip have partnered with International animal group, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) for the UNFURGIVABLE campaign in the battle against Fur.
Oh my ever loving lord. That’s actually on a par with Nivea’s most offensive ad ever, which was this absolute gem:
Ladies and black men, we had better get on top of our grooming (which of course translates directly to spending money on beauty products) or else we will be ‘uncivilized’, ‘fugly’, ‘FURgly’, or just plain bestial. Apparently I’m not really human if I don’t run a razor blade over my lady bits. Or let someone else cover me in scalding hot wax and then rip it off.
The ‘battle against fur’? Wow, I really love the implication that shooting and skinning animals for their fur is in any way equivalent to me paying someone $40 to slightly (and temporarily, given that it grows back) alter the appearance of my hoo-hah. Or that the fur that grows naturally on me is in any way equivalent to an entire skin sliced off a dead animal. And if you buy the internal logic of the ad, it’s even worse. PETA clearly thinks that killing animals and using their fur (even if those two actions are not actually in a direct causal relationship) is terribly terribly cruel. So if that’s the case then they really really shouldn’t try to draw a connection between something that is basically a haircut and something that they think is inhuman cruelty.
Of course if that’s your thing, if you prefer no hair down there, fine, whatever floats your boat. Frankly, it’s none of my business what you do with your downstairs. That state of your nether regions is entirely a matter for you, and your invited guests. It isn’t any goddamn business of mine. Or PETA’s.
And I’ll tell you something for nothing. Getting waxed does jack-squat for animal rights.
Love
MacGuffin
Dear Puffin,
The Old Spice Guy is BACK and he saved the football season! This has got to be the best ad campaign of all time.
Look at this video:
Now look at this video:
Now look at this video.
The rules of the internet duel apparently include NIGHT VISION TOP HAT!
Round one- Love letters:
I think the 30 sec mark is the funniest thing I have ever seen. Honestly, while I am a card carrying member of team Old Old Spice Guy, I think Fabio won this round.
Round 2- Staring contest:
Watch both of these all the way to the end. Old Old Spice Guy definitely won this round.
Go to the Old Spice Mano a Mano in El Baño channel on Youtube to see more videos.
I can’t in all honestly sign this letter ‘yours’ or ‘love’ as I usually do. The Old Old Spice Guy has stolen my heart Puffin.
Sincerely
MacGuffin
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Dear Puffin
I have heard a heartwarming report that this billboard actually exists somewhere in Fort Wayne, Indiana:
These folks (a great Facebook group btw, definitely worth following) seem to think that it is real and not photoshopped. And Puffin, I can’t adequately express the depth of my hope that this is real. After all, Mike is a past winner of the Asshole of the Month award here at MacGuffin and Puffin. Unfortunately, until I get some sort of verification, I can’t quite make myself believe it. Some cursory googling has revealed bugger all. (Also it sure looks photoshopped…..)
Does anyone know if this is real? Let me know here, on twitter, or on tumblr.
Edit: for those who are interested, this, this, and this are some of the reasons that I think Mike Pence and his ilk should be tarred and feathered and run out of town.
Love
MacGuffin (who would very much like to have 20 minutes alone with Mike Pence in a dark alley.)
Dear Puffin
Did you know that the only reason women menstruate is so that they can avoid having sex with their partners and have an excuse to eat lots of chocolate? Neither did I. Thank god the clever folks at HonestAds have clarified this for me. (Note: it is possible that this is meant to be a send up of this kind of advertising. But frankly it didn’t come off that way. So there is some token balance, and now I shall return to my rant.) See, I was under the clearly incorrect impression that my period was merely a slightly annoying bodily function that we are all hopefully grown up enough to deal with.
But no! I was wrong….Imagine how shocked I was to discover that my uterine wall has a secret agenda! It turns out menstruation is a giant plot to deny men sex! Because, you know, it’s all about the menfolks. My uterus’s need to shed it’s lining once a month is all part of a cunning plan to keep men out of my hoo-hah. I did not realize this! It all makes sense now. My period is clearly one of my oppressive tools of sex-denying torture. It’s the wimminz number one excuse to withhold sex, which is, as we all know, one of the primary goals of all women everywhere.
I’m so glad HonestAds has legitimized this. I mean, usually I’m helpless to withstand the carnal advances of my lover, and I simply have to clutch the counterpane and think of England. It will be such a relief to be able to shirk my wifely duties once a month with a clear conscience! Cause, you know, women can only say no to sex once a month. In fact, women can only assert themselves and control their own bodies when they have the red shield of menstruation to hide behind and make the decision for them. And then, you know, it’s not really me saying no, it’s just that no man would want to have sex with a woman on the rag. Someone should really notify every man I have ever dated, since apparently none of them got that memo. (On the other hand, I did once have a tampon-crucifix nailed to my bedroom door to keep my little brothers out. Tampons are to some men as garlic is to vampires. All you have to do is wave it at them and they run screaming from the room.)
From now on I shall spend the last 5 days of every month reclined on a chaise lounge, eating bonbons and grapes peeled for me by my totally pussywhipped boytoy. It’s my entitlement, dammit! Yeah, I love getting my period, it means I can eat all the chocolate I want while I blueball my boyfriend. It’s my favorite time of the month! During that 5 day window I’m entitled to act like a bitch and I can just blame it all on the menses! Because that’s what my period is, when you come right down to it. It’s all just an excuse to be mean to men, and indulge myself with chocolate. Cause everything about the female body is really just about men.
Also, true fact, the only possible result of not being able to have sex is male sexual frustration. Shout out to hetero-normative thinking, and a total denial of the female sex drive!
I am disgusted Puffin. Thoroughly disgusted. What is the plural for ignoramus? It’s very important that I know this, because the people who came up with this are ignoramuses. Ignorami? Ignoramæ? Help me out here.
Love
MacGuffin
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Dear Puffin
Given that I’ve been either sick or locked in the library for the last 3 weeks, my thoughts turn inexorably to the two things I miss most about life on the outside. First to beer, of which I am not drinking enough and second to all the TV I am missing. To sustain me in my darkest hour I have turned to my ancient and venerable collection of beer ads saved in my favorites on Youtube. So here are the 20 greatest beer commercials of all time, according to me, ranked roughly from good to greatest. (I am intentionally excluding the Most Interesting Man in the World because…well…it just wouldn’t be fair. He is in a class by himself. Which he also teaches)
Everyone probably remembers this one:
This one is only funny retrospectively. Because now I cannot see this without thinking of Robin Cherbotsky:
The Bubble Boys! These were my absolute favorite ads when I was a kid:
Bud Ice Penguin:
This is the least Wes Anderson-y thing Wes Anderson has ever produced:
Quite offensive:
More Bubble Boys! Let’s just admit it. These barely have anything to do with beer. But ze leetle french canadian accents are so cute!
The rest are going after the jump because the videos are making the page slow to load.
Dear Puffin
I just found more of Rod Hunt’s Penisland Adventure park AIDS awareness thing (previously featured here). Prepare to be blown away by the awesome. Click to make it swell, tumescently, to full size. Also NSFW, in case you couldn’t tell.
This is a full breakdown of the rides and other…. attractions at the place which I insist on calling CandyPenisLand. This information will be invaluable for our board game version. In my mind its a sort of cross between Snakes and Ladders and Candyland, but with more lube.
Yours
MacGuffin
Dear Puffin
A final parting comment on the advertising world. While their tastelessness is legendary (go look at Copyranter if you don’t believe me) they also come out with stuff like this:
(Click to embiggen but it should be immediately obvious that this is hugely NSFW)
Possibly the best ad ever. Since I know you are at work I shall explain that this is a sex themed amusement park, where the safer you play, the longer you stay. Never have I been so motivated to stay safe. Via The Inspiration Room. Illustration by Rod Hunt, from Goodby, Silverstein & Partners.
Stay safe!
MacGuffin
