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Dear Puffin,
It should come as no surprise that I don’t much care for anyone in the GOP field and this includes Herman Cain. He’s like a malicious version of Ross Perot, with none of Perot’s charm. So I have a certain base-line level of disgust with Herman Cain to start with, but there have been two spikes recently which have caused me to absolutely despise him. The first was this little number, reported by The American Prospect.
Cain’s speech Friday afternoon was a barnstormer. His loudest applause, a standing ovation, came when he noted his upbringing under Jim Crow, but he told the crowd that he’s never been upset with the treatment of blacks in America. “I have achieved all of my American dreams and then some, because of the great nation, United States of America,” Cain said. “What’s there to be angry about?” he asked.
Here’s the more official version from the transcript:
One of the questions that I get asked sometimes running for president of the United States: Mr. Cain, didn’t you grow up in the civil rights movement?
Yes, I did, in Atlanta, Georgia — raised in Atlanta, Georgia, during the ’50s, the ’60s, before the civil rights movement, during the civil rights movement. I was around when they signed the civil rights movement (sic) of 1964, when they signed the Voting Rights Act in 1965. This nation has made it through the Civil War. This nation has made it through the struggle we had with slavery, Jim Crow laws, civil rights.
A reporter asked me just yesterday: Well, aren’t you angry — (laughter) — about how America has treated you?
I said: Sir, you don’t get it. (Laughter.) I have achieved all of my American dreams and then some — (cheers, applause) — because of the great nation United States of America. (Cheers, applause.) What’s there to be angry about? Angry? (Applause continues.)
Translation: Herman Cain made a lot of money, therefore people no longer need to be angry about Jim Crow. Um. OK, nationalism and patriotism are all well and good, but this takes flag-waving American exceptionalism to a whole new and awful extreme. This is the race-relations version of that disgusting old GOP chestnut “well I lucked out, why didn’t you?” which is just another way of casting the poor as undeserving. After all, if they deserved to be rich, they would be! Herman Cain hasn’t felt discriminated against, apparently, so why should you? Hear that, black America? Jim Crow wasn’t that bad. And anyway, the elected government of the United States of America may have enacted generations of legislation victimizing black Americans, but America (an amorphous entity made up of fireworks and apple pie) made Herman Cain’s American dreams come true.
It’s like he’s saying no harm no foul. Which is laughable, not to say benighted and revisionist, because he’s apparently forgotten or chosen to ignore the generations of black (and Asian, and Latino, and native American, etc) Americans whose American dreams did not come true because of Jim Crow, and the mountains of other legislation that either directly discriminated against or failed to protect the rights and privileges of American citizens. And he’s apparently forgotten or chosen to ignore the fact that Jim Crow type laws were written explicitly to prevent minorities from participating in the American dream.
No one is saying that Herman Cain, or indeed anyone, needs to be carrying a chip on their shoulder about stuff that happened 40, 50, 60 years ago. How people interact with their own ethnicity ought to be entirely their own business. Of course it isn’t, but it oughta be, and to that end I will not unleash the extensive commentary I had written earlier about how Herman Cain is a dipshit for so obviously attempting to erase his ethnicity in order to hang with the good old boys of the GOP. And yet, at the same time, he’ll use the “Niggerhead” situation as a way to score off Rick Perry, which is not to say that Perry doesn’t deserve it.
The weirdest thing about this is that the GOP was recently called out on their relationship to black history in America. And do you know who did it? Michael Steele. His response to the “Niggerhead” story was this eminently reasonable and well constructed comment:
STEELE: We cannot be lackadaisical about these issues. We cannot be insensitive in that regard and say well just paint over it, because it still is a reminder of what’s beneath the paint. And I think again that’s what irks a lot of African-Americans and a lot of minorities when it comes to how the Republican Party and sometimes its individual candidates respond to these types of things.
Michael Steele has become a voice of reason. Michael Steele has become a voice of reason!! Aughhhhh!
But as far as Cain’s ridiculous run for the presidency goes, this video is actually just as disturbing.
No, knowing the name of the president of Uzbekistan is not going to create a single job. But it is YOUR job as president, Mr Cain. Being proud of your ignorance of foreign policy may go over well with the tea party, who like to pretend that the economy is the only thing going on in the whole wide world, but it just lost you the neo-conservative vote. And also, hopefully probably, the GOP nomination. Also, how is knowing the leaders of “insignificant” central asian states irrelevant to national security? I’m sure plenty of people thought Afghanistan was irrelevant before 2001. But it wasn’t.
Also, it is probably worth remembering that foreign policy is one of the few arenas for which the president really is directly responsible. Jobs bills, the economy, civil rights at home, all this issues are decided between the president and the legislature. But the formulation and execution of foreign policy is one of the few jobs that falls directly into the purview of the president. Matt Yglesias makes an especially good point:
The contrast with someone like Al Franken is, to me, telling. A comedian running for Senate naturally faces some voter skepticism even if, like Franken, he’s been politically engaged and active for years. So Franken clearly went out of his way during and after his campaign to show that he’s well-briefed and well-versed in the issues. He had a higher bar to cross than your average candidate, so he did the work to clear it. Cain, trying to leap from ex-CEO of third-rate pizza chain to president of the United States, doesn’t think he needs to do anything.
In summation Puffin: Ugh. I am thoroughly cheesed off with these clowns. And Herman Cain is Asshole of the Day.
Love
MacGuffin
MacGuffin,
I was a great fan of the semi-defunct Poor Taste Museum. If I can win this raffle, I’ve purchased roughly 864 tickets so I have good chance, I will have a one of a kind submission to the collection!
You too can have a piece of history.
The Republican Party in Arizona’s Pima County, which is represented by Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ), is in the midst of a fundraising raffle, $10 per entry.
The prize: the same model of gun that delivered a near-fatal blast to the Democratic lawmaker’s skull outside a Tucson grocery store in January.
I simply can not fathom the group-think which convinced anyone that this was an acceptable thing to do. The Arizona GOP is my perpetual nomination for Asshole of the Day, but this really belongs more in the Poor Taste Museum.
Yours in Bruce Campbell and all his glory
-P
Dear Puffin,
I would like to take this opportunity to introduce my fianceè, the love of my life, the inspiration for 80% of my worst ideas, Richard Handl. Richard and I planned to be wed next month, but his pending incarceration in Sweden put a hitch in our plans. We also considered eloping, like Pete and Haylea (congrats you two!!), but the opportunity to throw a depression-era hobo themed wedding (seriously, follow that link, it’s mind blowing) was just too good to pass up. Sadly, of course, we have had to postpone the development of our nuclear family due to Richard’s arrest:
(08-03) 08:33 PDT STOCKHOLM, (AP) –
A Swedish man who was arrested after trying to split atoms in his kitchen said Wednesday he was only doing it as a hobby.
Richard Handl told The Associated Press that he had the radioactive elements radium, americium and uranium in his apartment in southern Sweden when police showed up and arrested him on charges of unauthorized possession of nuclear material.
The 31-year-old Handl said he had tried for months to set up a nuclear reactor at home and kept a blog about his experiments, describing how he created a small meltdown on his stove.
Only later did he realize it might not be legal and sent a question to Sweden’s Radiation Authority, which answered by sending the police.
“I have always been interested in physics and chemistry,” Handl said, adding he just wanted to “see if it’s possible to split atoms at home.”
The police raid took place in late July, but police have refused to comment. If convicted, Handl could face fines or up to two years in prison.
Although he says police didn’t detect dangerous levels of radiation in his apartment, he now acknowledges the project wasn’t such a good idea.
“From now on, I will stick to the theory,” he said. (Via.)
The story doesn’t mention his motives, but I finally feel comfortable revealing the true story. In a desperate bid to pay for our $60,000 hobo wedding, Richard attempted to create fissionable material in the kitchen. And you know the worst part? He ruined my Kitchen-Aid mixer.
It’s really too bad the hobo wedding kids didn’t also decide to stick to theory. I mean seriously, look at this:
On Memorial Day weekend 2011, my groom and I joined hands, entwined bootlaces and shared a single bean in matrimony at what very well may be the first hobo-themed wedding. We invited our friends and family to share in our happiest of days, wear their shabbiest, drink moonshine, eat their fill of BBQ and pie, dance to a live jug band and howl at the moon.
We got to work researching the Depression era and hobo culture. As we prepared to make everything for our wedding, we collected feed sack dresses and old work boots, antique hand-stitched quilts and jug band instruments. After reading that the word “hobo” may be a syllabic abbreviation of “homeward bound,” we fell in love with the notion!
Dear, if you fell in love with the notion then your research is probably incomplete.
Things I see here: an overabundance of well fed, clean, healthy people. Things I don’t see here: crushing poverty, a total lack of healthcare, grinding struggles against social injustice. Starvation. Lice. Bedbugs.
One of the comments on the Etsy blog kind of struck me: “What a memorable wedding for you two and all that attended I am sure… so very creative and oh so comfortable!! very best wishes for many years of happiness.” Yes…. comfortable. I’m sure that’s why hobos dressed the way they did. It was all about comfort. Sure. I do have to say though, what a god awful way to start your marriage. Any time anyone asks these two about their wedding the conversation will go something like this:
“So what was your wedding like?”
“Well, we threw a Depression era hobo themed shindig….”
“Oh that’s…. unique”
“Yeah, it was actually really pretty, but we spent the first month of our marriage at the center of an internet firestorm. In retrospect it maybe wasn’t a good idea”
While I think these two were pretty insensitive and unintentionally offensive, I do wish them the best in life. I hope you two are happy together, I actually do.
Obviously, though, these kids never heard the William Shatner and Joe Jackson cover of Pulp’s Common People.
She came from Greece she had a thirst for knowledge,
she studied sculpture at Saint Martin’s College,
that’s where I,
caught her eye.
She told me that her Dad was loaded,
I said “In that case I’ll have a rum and coca-cola.”
She said “Fine.”
and in thirty seconds time she said,“I want to live like common people,
I want to do whatever common people do,
I want to sleep with common people,
I want to sleep with common people,
like you.”Well what else could I do -
I said “I’ll see what I can do.”
I took her to a supermarket,
I don’t know why but I had to start it somewhere,
so it started there.
I said pretend you’ve got no money,
she just laughed and said,
“Oh you’re so funny.”
I said “yeah?
Well I can’t see anyone else smiling in here.
Are you sure you want to live like common people,
you want to see whatever common people see,
you want to sleep with common people,
like me.”But she didn’t understand,
she just smiled and held my hand.
Rent a flat above a shop,
cut your hair and get a job.
Smoke some fags and play some pool,
pretend you never went to school.
But still you’ll never get it right,
cos when you’re laid in bed at night,
watching roaches climb the wall,
if you call your Dad he could stop it all.You’ll never live like common people,
you’ll never do what common people do,
you’ll never fail like common people,
you’ll never watch your life slide out of view,
and dance and drink and screw,
because there’s nothing else to do.Sing along with the common people,
sing along and it might just get you through,
laugh along with the common people,
laugh along even though they’re laughing at you,
and the stupid things that you do.
Because you think that poor is cool.Like a dog lying in a corner,
they’ll bite you and never warn you.
Look out.
They’ll tear your insides out.‘Cause Everybody hates a tourist,
especially one who thinks
it’s all such a laugh.
Yeah, and the chip stains’ grease
will come out in the bath.
You will never understand
how it feels to live your life
with no meaning or control
and with nowhere left to go.
You’re amazed that they exist
and they burn so bright,
while you can only wonder why.
You’ll still be my best man, right Puffin?
Love
MacGuffin
PS: Wish me luck everyone, round one of big scary dental surgery starts at 3pm. If anyone sees me making a run for it please apprehend me and return me, kicking and screaming, to the dentist’s office.
Dear Puffin,
Rupert Murdoch is sort of an obvious candidate for asshole of the day/month/year at any given time. There is rarely a moment when the guy isn’t doing something I find disgusting, immoral, or downright douchy. And with the phone hacking scandal, he’s been even more douchetastic than usual. But this editorial cartoon which ran in today’s London Times is…. well, horrendous.
I think The Atlantic’s headline pretty much summed it up: Murdoch’s Times Would Like to Change the Subject. I think they’ve made that very clear!
The real kicker for me is the words they have put in the mouth of that little drawing of a starving child. “I’ve had a belly-full of phone hacking.” GEDDIT?? It’s funny cause he hasn’t had a belly full of anything in a long long time. You can tell because he’s so obviously starving! Hahaha! Isn’t that just so fucking funny?!?!
And admittedly, while the context makes this really despicable, it makes a good point. We do need to pay more attention to the crisis in Somalia, and the international media has been over focussing on Murdoch. There is, after all, nothing the media likes to cover more than itself.
But Rupert, that crisis does not exist so that you may divert global scrutiny away from your sordid and damaging crimes. The Somalian people’s suffering is not a PR strategy for your fucking media empire, and to treat it as such is fucking disgraceful. It sure is convenient that all those millions of people are starving so that you have a humanitarian crisis to point to. Of course, you aren’t pointing to it for its own sake, or because you really think it should be covered. You only care about the famine because PR-wise it’s better for the world to be focussed on starving babies than on investigations into your crimes. This might be the most insincere thing I have ever seen.
As Mediate put it:
There are several methods of dealing with a much-publicized scandal, some less advisable than others. Issuing a public apology for mistakes or poor judgment? Pretty much always a good idea. Holding individuals responsible for their roles and dealing with them accordingly? Usually works out pretty well. Publishing a tacky, potentially offensive cartoon making light of serious allegations AND life-threatening poverty? Oddly enough, that rarely ever works.
It sure isn’t working here.
Rupert Murdoch, and whoever decided to run this cartoon, are assholes.
Love
MacGuffin
See the gallery of past Assholes here
So theres a great big wildfire burning in Arizona right now. Actually there are several. And do you know who caused half the state to go up in flames? The illegal immigrants coming over the border!!!!
Give me a fucking break. Excuse me while I fill out a citizenship application for a country with slightly less xenophobic hysteria. Like Chechnya.
“There is substantial evidence that some of these fires have been caused by people who have crossed our border illegally,” says McCain “The answer to that part of the problem is to get a secure border.”
Evidence? What evidence? Would you care to share it with the class Senator, or are you too busy being a bigoted turd-nugget and pandering to the basest instincts of your electorate? He doesn’t say. Probably because it’s fucking laughable, or it would be if it weren’t such a racist, prejudiced, damaging, horrible thing to say.
McCain said that illegal immigrants set such fires either to send signals, keep warm or distract law enforcement agents. But he did not specify which fires allegedly had been started by illegal immigrants, nor did he identify his sources or provide details of the “substantial” evidence he cited.
Yes, how dare they try to keep warm. Illegal immigrants should just be miserable all the time. After all, they are not American and are therefore not deserving of basic human dignities. Like not freezing your butt off at night. Also there is no possibility that people other than illegal aliens might have gotten cold. Not destitute Americans who have been victimized by the slashing of social programs in this country. No chance. Nope, it’s obviously them sneaky Mexicans!
Oh and check this out, I think I’ve found his “substantial evidence,” (also from the CNN article)
Local media outlets have reported anecdotal cases of fires breaking out in areas where illegal immigrants have been known to cross the border.
So…. what I get from this is that there are lots of fires in Arizona and also lots of illegal aliens and sometimes the fires and the aliens happen in roughly the same place. You know who else is in Arizona a lot? American citizens like JOHN MCCAIN. Maybe he set the fucking fire. Sarah Palin’s been there a lot too, maybe she’s behind it all.
But when ABC talked to the actual Forest Service they said this:
When asked if there is substantial evidence that some fires were caused by illegal immigrants, as McCain said at a news conference Saturday, Berglund said: “Absolutely not, at this level.”
“There’s no evidence that I’m aware, no evidence that’s been public, indicating such a thing,” he said.
They did however, say this, again from the ABC article:
Tom Berglund, spokesman for the federal group managing the Wallow fire that McCain toured Saturday, said the cause of the fire has been determined as “human,” specifically an “escaped campfire,” meaning the campfire sparked beyond the confines of the rocks containing it.
Of course there is no possibility that the fire might have been set by American citizens who were, oh I don’t know, CAMPING? No of course not, it must have been set by evil scheming Mexicans. Now heres my big question. Did they cross the border, set fire to America, and then stay in America, or did they cross the border, set fire to America, and then go back to Mexico?
Fuck this forever and fuck Senator McCain especially
Love
MacGuffin, who is especially irritable due to unforeseen dentistry
Dear Puffin
Prepare yourself for a rant of epic proportions. I’m fucking furious.
So the House passed HR3, aka the No Taxpayer Funding for Abortions Act, aka the let’s redefine rape act, aka the let’s destroy women’s reproductive rights act, aka the let’s keep doctors from making the right medical decisions act, aka the totally pointless act that ‘codifies’ a rule that was already in existence even though it shouldn’t have been (the Hyde amendment), aka the worst piece of legislation since the Patriot Act. I am, not unexpectedly, right royally pissed the fuck off about this. Open Congress summarizes the bill thusly:
This bill would make permanent and expand the Hyde amendment restrictions on the use of federal funds for abortions. It seeks to prohibit even indirect funding streams that may potentially come in contact with abortion services. For example, it would deny tax credits to companies that offer health plans that cover abortions and it would block anybody with insurance that covers abortions from receiving federal subsidies or medical cost tax deductions, even if the abortion is paid separately with personal funds. Women who use tax-free Medical Savings Accounts would have to pay taxes on the costs of abortions.
Slate is less circumspect:
HR3 eliminates any tax credits or deductions taken by individuals or employers for health insurance, if that insurance plan covers abortion, even if they don’t use the service.
Ron Swanson does not approve
Quite how this qualifies as ‘small government’ I do not know. Apparently the GOP wants to limit the government’s ability to control the blatantly amoral shenanigans of corporations, but it’s totally necessary for zillions of civil servants to spend countless hours fiddling the tax code around to make sure that no money that was ever touched by the government can even indirectly pay for a legal medical procedure. And that, apparently, is a good use of my tax dollars. Yes, it is much more important than auditing Wall Street executives who are stashing cash in small Caribbean islands. Those baby-killing wimminz are much more deserving of IRS scrutiny. The government fucking prints the cash dudes, at a certain point it’s all government money unless we plan to go back to the barter system, in which case me and my knitting buddies will school the crap out of all of you. We actually know how to make stuff, assholes.
Also apparently we have completely forgotten about job creation. At the juncture I will do something I’ve never done before and quote John Ashcroft in defense of my own argument: “While women need the right to birth control and abortion, we also need to be able to have and raise children, and that means equal opportunity, good jobs and equal pay.” We’ve been distracted by all those gay teacher’s unions having abortions! After them! But on the other hand we have created a whole new profession: abortion auditors. It will now be up to the IRS aka the Ninja Abortion Squad, to make sure women don’t spend any government money on abortion.
Because H.R. 3 bans using tax credits or deductions to pay for abortions or insurance, a woman who used such a benefit would have to prove, if audited, that her abortion “fell under the rape/incest/life-of-the-mother exception, or that the health insurance she had purchased did not cover abortions.” Essentially, the bill turns Internal Revenue Service agents into “abortion cops.”
The taxpayer would have to prove that she had complied with all applicable abortion laws. Under standard audit procedure, a woman would have to provide evidence to corroborate facts about abortions, rapes, and cases of incest, says Marcus Owens, an accountant and former longtime IRS official. If a taxpayer received a deduction or tax credit for abortion costs related to a case of rape or incest, or because her life was endangered, then “on audit [she] would have to demonstrate or prove, ideally by contemporaneous written documentation, that it was incest, or rape, or [her] life was in danger,” Owens says. “It would be fairly intrusive for the woman.”
The Daily Kos has a good breakdown of how totally ridiculous this is.
HR3 would disallow tax deductions for your health care expenses if your private insurance plan covers abortion. Not if you actually get an abortion. And not if a member of your family does. All it takes for you to see your taxes hiked is if the private insurance plan you selected and paid for with your own money permits coverage of abortion at all. For anyone. Even if you never get one and never plan to. If you bought a plan that agrees to cover abortion if someone else totally unrelated to you needs one, then you lose eligibility for any tax deductions for the cost of your insurance, and your tax bill shoots up. Republicans take your cash, because you agreed to buy a plan that might someday pay for someone else’s abortion.
Or as the ACLU put it:
It manipulates the tax code so as to penalize millions of Americans by taking away tax credits to small businesses that offer insurance plans that cover abortion along with other pregnancy-related care and by precluding families from deducting medical expenses related to abortion.
How is this not the GOP telling me how to spend my own money? Apparently I lose my tax break for privately purchasing a health plan that covers abortion, even if I never plan to have one, even if I were physically incapable of getting pregnant, even if I don’t have a fucking uterus. All this, of course, is taking place while Texas approves a tax break for people who want to buy yachts worth $250,000 or more. So…. I lose my tax break if I buy an insurance plan that might, once, maybe, cover an abortion for a woman I’ve never met, but tax breaks for quarter million dollar yachts are totally cool. Maybe I can recoup the money I lost because of my health insurance by buying a quarter million dollar boat. Of course if I had a quarter million to spare I would just fly to a civilized fucking country (like Albania, Australia, Bahrain, Belarus, Belgium, Bosnia, Cambodia, Canada, Croatia, Cuba, Denmark, Estonia, Germany, Greece, Hungary, North fucking Korea, Latvia, Lithuania, Macedonia, Mozambique, the Netherlands, Norway, Slovenia, Sweden, Vietnam or Yugoslavia) and get a goddamn abortion.
Because you know what? Whether you like it or not, abortion is a perfectly acceptable option. And don’t give me that ‘adoption not abortion’ crap. For one thing, as Barbara Ehrenreich points out, “no one has been able to figure out, even with expert counseling, how to use adoption as a method of birth control, or at what time of the month it is most effective.” Pregnancy is difficult, dangerous, and should be done right, with care and attention and, if possible, love. To quote Garret Hardi, “Society does not need more children; but it does need more loved children… There should not be the slightest communal concern when a woman elects to destroy the life of her thousandth-of-an-ounce embryo. But all society should rise up in alarm when it hears that a baby that is not wanted is about to be born.” No one should be forced to remain pregnant. Surely we can cope with this idea by now.
Pregnancy is not some walk in the park. Aside from everything else, it’s dangerous. Almost 30% of births in the US are by caesarian section, which is major surgery that involves cutting your abdomen open and surgically removing the baby. And that’s fairly common. There can also be terrible terrible complications, even in the perfectly planned births of healthy babies to healthy mothers. Stories like John and Sherry’s are terrifying, impossible to predict, and they do happen. Pregnancy and birth are major medical events. Even when everything goes perfectly it’s difficult, painful, exhausting, and it completely disrupts your life, as it should, since it’s a big fucking deal. It’s not something that can be shrugged off with an ‘oh just have the baby and put it up for adoption.’ We who are pro-choice don’t think that pregnancy is not a big deal. We realize exactly how big a deal it is and we demand the right to make the intelligent, informed, responsible decision not to have the baby. Some of us are not willing to sacrifice 9 months of our lives to an unwanted pregnancy and are not willing to remain celibate in order to ensure that the problem doesn’t come up. (Note please that no one is asking men to abstain from sex in order to avoid unwanted pregnancies. Apparently using condoms fulfills the responsibility quota for men, but not for women.) When men remain celibate in order to completely eliminate the risk of unwanted pregnancy then I will too. Heterosexual sex without procreation will cease to exist and the lesbians will have all the fun. But wait, there is a better option than celibacy. It’s called birth control, and failing that, abortion. Get the fuck over it.
And don’t you dare even bring God up. If you seriously intend to tell me that I have to drop out of school or take time off work in order to spend 9 months growing an unwanted life and then push a 7 pound thing out of my vagina because the inaccurately reported words of some mythological dude told you it was morally right then I will laugh in your face. You might have a faith as deep and true as can be, but I, for one, do not believe in this ‘God’ person, and if you think that I’m going to let your insanely outdated cultish belief in a supernatural deity influence my medical decisions then you have another think coming.
The GOP position on health care “calls for ‘improving public health through flexibility and innovation’ and ‘giving patients and providers control over treatment options.” Unless those options include abortion, apparently. Y’all saw this video right?
That mother’s baby was being crushed to death inside her. The mother and the doctor were prevented by law from making the right medical decisions on behalf of the mother’s child/the doctor’s patient (both the mother and the fetus, although fetuses aren’t people, so it’s not actually the doctor’s patient, but you know what I mean.)(Also, can we have an episode of House about this? House would never stand for the government telling him what he could and couldn’t do for his patients.) Besides, if you truly believe that a fetus can feel pain (it totally can’t by the way) then how the fuck was it right to sentence this mother and child to three weeks of torture?
But according to Joe Pitts (R-PA) author of the abominable Protect Life Act, this is all fine and dandy, because “abortion is not health care. Abortion is the most violent form of death known to mankind.” More violent, apparently, than Danielle’s fetus being crushed. Or, you know, people being chopped up by machetes in Rwanda, or being stoned to death for being gay.
This leads me to Chris Smith, the reprehensible republican representative from New Jersey who, during the House debate, said that future generations “will note with deep sadness, that some of our politicians, while they talked about human rights, never lifted a finger to protect the most persecuted minority in the world: the child in the womb.” (emphasis added)
GET FUCKING REAL
1.) For fuck’s sake don’t let the Jews hear you say that. No seriously, that’s heinously disrespectful to actual people who have actually been persecuted. As opposed to a bunch of cells in some teenager’s uterus.
2.) You are a total fucking douche and as far as I’m concerned you must be morally bankrupt and I hope you someday realize what you have done and I hope your wife/daughter/everyone you know is ashamed of you and tells you so to your face. Seriously, how the fuck do you live with yourself?
3.) More persecuted than the women you are denying health care to? Because “the most immediate effect if HR3 passes into law would likely be that every insurance company in the country would drop abortion coverage, as no employers or individuals are likely to take a tax raise just to keep a plan that covers abortion services. This will result in more dead pregnant women, since insurance companies will also drop coverage for expensive late term abortions that are used to save women who develop conditions such as eclampsia later in their pregnancies, a service that can cost thousands of dollars.” Via.
4.) More persecuted than the victims of Joe Pitts’ Let Women Die Act, which would “allow hospitals that receive federal funds but are opposed to abortions to turn away women in need of emergency pregnancy termination to save their lives.” Currently, “if a hospital can’t (or wont) provide the care a patient needs, it is required to transfer that patient to a hospital that can, and the receiving hospital is required to accept that patient. In the case of an anti-abortion hospital with a patient requiring an emergency abortion, ETMALA would require that hospital to perform it or transfer the patient to someone who can. Pitts’ new bill would free hospitals from any abortion requirement under EMTALA, meaning that medical providers who aren’t willing to terminate pregnancies wouldn’t have to — nor would they have to facilitate a transfer. The hospital could literally do nothing at all.” I would like to think that no doctor would allow that to happen, but these days I’m not so sure.
5.) Also those fetuses are apparently more persecuted than, say, all the rape victims who were not ‘forcibly’ raped. Because yes, the forcible rape thing is back. Like a bad penny, this piece of cold hard shit just will not go away. Forcible rape. As if there were any other kind of rape. As if there were some other, non forcible way to force your penis (or whatever) into your victim. Or violate them in whatever other way. Violation is, by nature, forcible; that’s why it’s a violation. Rape is the act of forcing someone into sex, but according to the new forcible rape language, it’s not rape if the victim says no but does not physically fight off the perpetrator, or if the victim is drugged or threatened, or if the victim is physically or mentally incapacitated, or if it’s statutory rape. I guess this means it’s open season on coma patients. They didn’t fight the perpetrator off and they didn’t say no, so…..? And also, you know, when uncle Lester the molester threatens to beat the shit out of his 15 year old niece unless she keeps quiet about what he’s doing to her, that’s not rape any longer. And if he knocks her up she can’t have an abortion on medicaid, and her insurance wont pay for it, and Planned Parenthood will be gone or inaccessible. This is going to be a great new world guys.
For all these reasons and many more, Chris Smith, Joe Pitts and the authors of HR3 win the Asshole of the month award for May, even though we’re only 5 days in. I can’t imagine anyone is going to beat this in the next 25 days.
Love
MacGuffin, who is seriously disillusioned with America in general these days
Other posts filed under Feminism and Politics:
Close your eyes and think of England: the secret agenda of the uterine wall, revealed!
New passport application questions
Asshole of the month- March (Mike Pence will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes)
NAACP chapter president says gays have ‘hijacked’ the civil rights movement, presumes to speak for Dr Martin Luther King Jr and generally makes a fool of himself.
Dear Puffin
Did you know that the only reason women menstruate is so that they can avoid having sex with their partners and have an excuse to eat lots of chocolate? Neither did I. Thank god the clever folks at HonestAds have clarified this for me. (Note: it is possible that this is meant to be a send up of this kind of advertising. But frankly it didn’t come off that way. So there is some token balance, and now I shall return to my rant.) See, I was under the clearly incorrect impression that my period was merely a slightly annoying bodily function that we are all hopefully grown up enough to deal with.
But no! I was wrong….Imagine how shocked I was to discover that my uterine wall has a secret agenda! It turns out menstruation is a giant plot to deny men sex! Because, you know, it’s all about the menfolks. My uterus’s need to shed it’s lining once a month is all part of a cunning plan to keep men out of my hoo-hah. I did not realize this! It all makes sense now. My period is clearly one of my oppressive tools of sex-denying torture. It’s the wimminz number one excuse to withhold sex, which is, as we all know, one of the primary goals of all women everywhere.
I’m so glad HonestAds has legitimized this. I mean, usually I’m helpless to withstand the carnal advances of my lover, and I simply have to clutch the counterpane and think of England. It will be such a relief to be able to shirk my wifely duties once a month with a clear conscience! Cause, you know, women can only say no to sex once a month. In fact, women can only assert themselves and control their own bodies when they have the red shield of menstruation to hide behind and make the decision for them. And then, you know, it’s not really me saying no, it’s just that no man would want to have sex with a woman on the rag. Someone should really notify every man I have ever dated, since apparently none of them got that memo. (On the other hand, I did once have a tampon-crucifix nailed to my bedroom door to keep my little brothers out. Tampons are to some men as garlic is to vampires. All you have to do is wave it at them and they run screaming from the room.)
From now on I shall spend the last 5 days of every month reclined on a chaise lounge, eating bonbons and grapes peeled for me by my totally pussywhipped boytoy. It’s my entitlement, dammit! Yeah, I love getting my period, it means I can eat all the chocolate I want while I blueball my boyfriend. It’s my favorite time of the month! During that 5 day window I’m entitled to act like a bitch and I can just blame it all on the menses! Because that’s what my period is, when you come right down to it. It’s all just an excuse to be mean to men, and indulge myself with chocolate. Cause everything about the female body is really just about men.
Also, true fact, the only possible result of not being able to have sex is male sexual frustration. Shout out to hetero-normative thinking, and a total denial of the female sex drive!
I am disgusted Puffin. Thoroughly disgusted. What is the plural for ignoramus? It’s very important that I know this, because the people who came up with this are ignoramuses. Ignorami? Ignoramæ? Help me out here.
Love
MacGuffin
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Point by Point Shred of Mike Pence, Winner of the Asshole of the Month Award
Uterus is no longer an acceptable word to use in mixed company
NAACP chapter president says gays have “hijacked” the civil rights movement
Dear Puffin,
Republican Rep Mike Pence wins the Asshole of the Month award for March with this op-ed in the National Review. He also beat off some stiff competition to get himself in the running for biggest jerk of all time.
On Feb. 18, 2011, with bipartisan support, the House of Representatives passed the Pence Amendment, which would end taxpayer funding for Planned Parenthood. In response, Planned Parenthood used its vast resources to launch slick Madison Avenue television ads portraying the group — the nation’s largest abortion provider — as an altruistic organization that provides health-care services to the poor and has only an incidental interest in abortion.
Planned Parenthood has vast resources? Really? Now are those the vast resources of federal funding that you’re in the process of cutting, or are they different vast resources? How many vast resources do they have, and where are they coming from? Are you talking about the private donations from citizens? Cause arguably people’s willingness to shell out cold hard cash is a better indicator of public opinion than the plurality you claim to represent. And yes, how dare the not-for-profit clinic portray itself as “an altruistic organization that provides health-care services to the poor”. How dare they!
Despite efforts to suggest otherwise, the Pence Amendment does not reduce funding for cancer screenings or eliminate one dime of funding for other important health services to women; the money that does not go to Planned Parenthood as a result of the Pence Amendment will go to other organizations that provide these services. If the Pence Amendment becomes law, thousands of women’s health centers, clinics, and hospitals will still provide assistance to low-income families and women. The Pence Amendment would simply deny any and all federal funding to Planned Parenthood
So… if you still plan to fund the cancer screenings and other health services… why can’t Planned Parenthood just do it? You’re already paying them to do this exact job. And Title X of the Public Health Service Act already prevents Planned Parenthood from using federal dollars on abortion services anyway. Since the abortion programs are not government funded they will be the only part of Planned Parenthood’s program not affected by this cut. So by definition, what you’re doing here is slashing funding for cancer screenings, STD testing, prenatal care and other sexual health programs. No no, I understand. Despite your efforts of suggest otherwise, you are, in fact, reducing funding for cancer screenings. Once we wade through the bullshit it becomes clear that what you’re trying to do is force PP to de-prioritize abortion services and use the private donor money to fund the services you do approve of. Except that a lot of that donor money was given specifically to fund abortions. Edited to add: I’m getting really sick of this ‘money is fungible’ argument. It’s not. There is actually a large body of law on this issue, written specifically to ensure that donated money goes to the causes the donor wanted to support. So when PP gets private donor money for abortions they cannot use that money for cancer screenings and vice versa. This is the same law that makes sure the money you give to a college scholarship program is actually spent on that program, rather than on the football team, or a new computer lab. Do some fucking research Mr Pence.
Never mind that bills specifically targeting identifiable organizations or individuals (aka bills of attainder) are totally illegal. Rep Jerry Nadler points out “[an attainder is] a legislative[ly] enacted penalty, in this case no funding, directed at an identifiable person or organization to punish them for something. Article I Section 9 says ‘no bill of attainder or ex post facto should be passed.’ Fundamental foundation of constitutional law. If Planned Parenthood or anyone else is doing terrible things and ought to be punished, that’s up to the courts”. Abortion is legal. End of discussion.
Planned Parenthood clinics focus mainly on abortion — and because money is fungible, there is no way to fund the useful services without freeing up money for the organization to spend on abortion. In 2009, the group made only 977 adoption referrals and cared for only 7,021 prenatal clients, but performed a record 332,278 abortions. In other words, a pregnant woman entering a Planned Parenthood clinic was 42 times more likely to have an abortion than to either receive prenatal care or be referred for adoption. Planned Parenthood recently made plain the centrality of abortion to its mission by mandating that every one of its affiliates have at least one clinic that performs abortions within the next two years.
Oh, I see. You have a problem with the fact that the abortion clinic provides abortions. Got it. And I really admire the way you skew those stats. Why is it that my facts are merely statistics, but your statistics are facts? (Hats off to Sir Humphrey Appleby) I don’t suppose it matters to you that people can get the other services elsewhere- adoptions through churches, government agencies, international agencies, and many others. And prenatal care is still (for now) more widely available than pregnancy termination. At this point there is almost nowhere else to go if you need an abortion, and Planned Parenthood serves ONLY those who have no other option. So does Planned Parenthood provide a lot of the abortions? Totally. Get over it. And anyway, my tax dollars paid for your stupid war in Iraq. We spend government money on morally dubious causes all the time. (Not that abortion is morally dubious). The abortions that Planned Parenthood provides are funded without government support. When the war in Iraq is funded by private donations then I’ll call the game even and we can all go home.
Advocates for the abortion industry have sought to portray efforts to defund Planned Parenthood as a “War on Women,” but the issue is big business, and that business is abortion. This legislative battle is about Big Abortion vs. American taxpayers. As Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood director, recently said, “Planned Parenthood’s mission, on paper, is to give women quality and affordable health care and to protect women’s rights. In reality, their mission is to increase their abortion numbers and in turn increase their revenue.”
Big. Business. Ok. But Planned Parenthood is a registered 501(c)3, so by definition they are not a business, and they do not constitute an ‘abortion industry’. Second, if they were powerful enough to warrant either of those pejorative names, do you think for a second that we would even be having this argument? If Planned Parenthood and this mythological abortion industry were actually as powerful as he makes out, they would have funneled enough money into the pockets of congressmen like Mr Pence that this discussion would not be happening.
According to its most recent annual report, the organization raked in $1.1 billion in total revenue. Of that amount, $363.2 million came from taxpayers in the form of government grants and contracts. While current law prohibits Planned Parenthood from directly using tax dollars on abortions, taxpayers subsidize its overall operation, freeing up funds that can be diverted to direct spending on abortion.
Mr Pence fails to note that while Planned Parenthood ‘raked in’ $1.1 billion, they also spent a little over $1 billion, and wrote off $78 million in lost investments. Planned Parenthood made a $4.9 million budget shortfall in their 2009 annual report. (For those who don’t know, all non-profits file an annual report with the IRS, along with form 990, every year. They do not make these numbers up, and they do get audited. And Planned Parenthood, I suspect, gets audited rather a lot.) Oh and Mr Pence? When it goes back into the capital fund, it’s not a profit. It’s not going home with anyone.
And on a related note, those publicly available tax forms allow us to find out all sorts of fascinating information about non-profits. Like the fact that Candie’s Foundation, an abstinence only teen pregnancy prevention center, paid only $35,000 to actual teen pregnancy programs, but managed to pony up over a quarter of a million ($262,500) to Bristol Palin, the nation’s most famous teen mom. As well as $165,000 in TV advertising. Because abstinence ads on TV can totally replace pap smears, cancer screenings and prenatal care. Screenshots of the tax forms in question can be seen here. If we are serious about de-funding Planned Parenthood in favor of foundations like this, then they had better start spending some of their vast resources on some of the services Planned Parenthood will no longer be able to provide. Like, say, infertility counseling. Which is another service Planned parenthood provides.
And for all the talk about how poor women would be harmed if taxpayers stopped subsidizing Big Abortion, it is telling to see how Planned Parenthood is spending its money. According to a June 2008 story in the Wall Street Journal, Planned Parenthood was flush with cash and using its profits to rebrand itself.
I’d love to know what article he’s talking about, but he provides no link and the WSJ covers Planned Parenthood kind of a lot. And according to their annual report and 990 form….. um…. I don’t see any significant money going to marketing or construction. In fact their entire budget is program funding. If he’s talking about the affiliate clinics then thats a different issue. And while its probably a worthwhile exercise to talk about the dialog that takes place between the government, the national body and the affiliate bodies, it is completely disingenuous to spin the numbers this way.
The effort was designed to build the business by targeting wealthy consumers to complement their existing customer base of poor and minority populations. While taxpayers underwrite its operations, Planned Parenthood is building luxury health centers in shopping centers and malls, designed by marketing experts with touches such as hardwood floors, muted lighting, and large waiting rooms.
Oh horrors, a comfortable and non-threatening environment to go through one of the worst experiences of your life in. FYI, Planned Parenthood is supposed to be the alternative to sketchy clinics in Mexico. And what a terrible idea, putting clinics in convenient locations! Everyone knows that they belong on the wrong side of town, between a meat packing plant and an abattoir. But never fear, this is all part of the plan. Put clinics in out of the way locations and then slash funding for things like public transit. That way no matter what services the clinic offers, it wont matter! No one will be able to get there!
And note that he refers to ‘consumers’ and ‘customers’. Not patients. As if Planned Parenthood was a retail establishment selling bespoke abortions and custom tailored pap smears to discerning ladies of quality on Park Ave. Its all an attempt to create a sense that the people who ‘patronize’ Planned Parenthood clinics are not from ‘main street’. Except that they are. And casting the debate in retail language makes it seem like PP has some sort of profit-motivation to ‘sell’ more abortions.
And Big Abortion routinely puts profits over women’s health and safety. When women testify in favor of tightening safety standards at clinics, Planned Parenthood fights them. And despite the fact that 88 percent of Americans favor informed-consent laws that provide information about the risks of, and alternatives to, abortion for women, Planned Parenthood opposes these efforts and works to keep women in the dark. And tragically, in some instances, Planned Parenthood has refused to cooperate when law-enforcement officials have sought information to help girls they believed to be victims of child rape or molestation.
Frankly I have no idea what Mr Pence is talking about. Profits? It’s a 501(c)3. Keep women in the dark? Planned Parenthood is not pushing abortion. It offers abortion to women who seek it out. This is all part of that weird idea that women get ‘recreational abortions’. Yes, we really enjoy it. I often finish off a weekend of debauchery with a pedicure and an abortion. And fine, lets just talk about the advantages of an abortion as opposed to adoption, since the pro-life position on unwanted pregnancy seems to be “oh just carry the baby to term and then give it up!”, as if the 9 months you spend pregnant are some sort of cake walk that will have no effect on your life. Having an abortion means you do not have to ask for maternity leave, take time off school, run up huge medical bills (sometimes on drugs that used to be $10 and are now $1500), and spend 9 months growing a baby you do not want. Pregnancy is complicated, difficult and sometimes dangerous and doing it right takes a lot of effort. You need to eat right, exercise, see a doctor regularly and a thousand other things. Lets just hope you have health insurance. And pregnancy is still risky. If something goes wrong you might require a c-section, which is major surgery involving cutting your abdomen open. And even in the best of cases, giving birth involves pushing a 7-9 pound person out of your vagina. It is not pleasant and is not something that should be gone into lightly! Sometimes abortion is the right answer. Deal with it. It is not your call or my call.
The nation’s largest abortion provider also offers some helpful services, but that should not translate into Americans’ being forced to fund them. Many organizations that provide charitable services, such as the Salvation Army, do not expect to be underwritten by American taxpayers. Why should Big Abortion be the exception?
For the 99th time, Americans are not being forced to fund abortions. The only Americans funding abortions at Planned Parenthood are the ones who voluntarily write a check. Like me. Also, the Salvation Army is a religious organization (actually its a church), which is why it is not underwritten by taxpayers. Although I expect that to change shortly.
As Abby Johnson has said, “There are better uses of our money. Planned Parenthood provides shabby, limited health care.” If supporters of Planned Parenthood wish to support the organization, they have every right to do so, but they should not expect everyone else to sign the check.
I grow tired of repeating myself.
The time has come to deny any and all federal funding to Planned Parenthood Federation of America.
— Rep. Mike Pence is a Republican congressman from Indiana.
Rep Mike Pence is an asshole.
Dear Puffin
Todays’s asshole uterus of the day comes from the Florida state government where Rep Scott Randolph (D- Orlando) has been reprimanded for using a dirty word on the house floor. The word? Uterus.
House GOP spokeswoman Katie Betta: “The Speaker has been clear about his expectations for conduct on the House for during debate. At one point during the debate, he mentioned to the entire House that members of both parties needed to be mindful of decorum during debate.
“Additionally, the Speaker believes it is important for all Members to be mindful of and respectful to visitors and guests, particularly the young pages and messengers who are seated in the chamber during debates. In the past, if the debate is going to contain language that would be considered inappropriate for children and other guests, the Speaker will make an announcement in advance, asking children and others who may be uncomfortable with the subject matter to leave the floor and gallery.”
Um ………………….what? Yes, as a lady I find it very very disrespectful when people refer to a part of my body by its correct anatomical name. Seriously guys, show some respect for the vajayjay. Rep Randolph’s actual comment was to suggest that his wife should “incorporate her uterus” as the only way protect her reproductive rights. I think he makes a very very good point. On the other hand, I also see the GOP’s perspective in this. I mean, government regulation is the only hope if we are to be saved from the hordes of unregulated uteri that lurk around every street corner. Beware the impending uterus invasion guys. Its just one short step from recreational abortions to weaponized wombs marching the streets of America, terrorizing the populace. Suddenly I see why people are afraid of feminists. Cause that was totally our plan guys, and the only thing stopping us from taking over the world is the brave men and women of the GOP, valiantly trying to regulate us and prevent us from making any trouble. Like, you know, me making my own choices about my uterus. Did you hear me? UTERUS!
This reminds me of a great scene from Boston Legal
All together now, uterus, uterus, uterus, UTERUS! (That is definitely one of those words that becomes stranger the more you say it. Like spatula. Seriously, say spatula to yourself 20 times and see).
Also, as we all know, the Dodge Ram logo is just a stylized uterus. Don’t believe me?
Inappropriate I say, inappropriate! I hereby demand the removal of all such pornographic depictions of lady parts from America’s automobiles!! Never again shall our children (or our congressional pages) be terrorized by the specter of an aggressive sheep-womb charging at them on I-95!!
Be afraid Puffin. Be very afraid.
MacGuffin
Dear Puffin
Today I have two contenders for the asshole trophy. First there is John Joe Thomas of Philadelphia, about whom this headline was written. Police: Killer invoked Old Testament in ‘stoning’ death. Not the sort of headline you expect to see in America in 2011. And, unsurprisingly, it hasn’t been covered by any major news network. I would never have found it if I didn’t regularly read Russ’s Filtered News, which does a good job of catching some of the stories that the media doesn’t see fit to cover.
From the Philadelphia Enquirer:
John Joe Thomas, 28, of the first block of Sunshine Road in Upper Darby, allegedly told police he killed Murray Joseph Seidman, 70, because the older man had made sexual advances and that the Old Testament spelled out stoning as the punishment for homosexuality.
An American citizen was stoned to death because of his sexual orientation. In America. In this century.
The second contender was connected to this story by New Civil Rights, and again, it’s fairly shocking that I have seen no comment on it. And it’s especially troubling because the culprit is someone I would hope to have a lot of respect for. But apparently Rev Keith Ratliff Sr, president of the Iowa-Nebraska chapter of the NAACP, has been shooting his mouth off in a profoundly offensive way. The Des Moines Register reports the following asinine statements from the not-so-reverend at an anti gay marriage rally on March 17:
He complained that supporters of gay rights have “hijacked” the civil rights debate and have wrongly contended the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., would have supported gay marriage. But Dr. King, he added, was a “Bible-believing Baptist preacher” who would have supported traditional marriage, he said.
“There is no parallel” between gay rights activism and the civil rights movement of the 1960s, Ratliff said. “That is an insult to the civil rights movement.”
Ratliff added , “Deviant behavior is not the same as being denied your right to vote.”
Video of the speech:
Never mind that Bayard Rustin was publicly gay (in the 60s, no less). And never mind that the mission statement of the NAACP is “is to ensure the political, educational, social, and economic equality of rights of all persons and to eliminate race-based discrimination.” (emphasis mine). Now I’m certainly not saying that gay rights are or should be a primary (or even major) concern for the NAACP. In fact its quite appropriate and healthy for them to intentionally limit their objectives to issues of race, and allow independent groups to evolve to fight for other causes. But the idea that a chapter president of the NAACP could publicly refer to homosexuality as “deviant behavior” is mind blowing.
You can sign a petition here.
So folks, who wins the mug today?
