Alarm Clocks from Heaven and Hell

Dear Puffin

A new working week is almost upon us. Well upon you, such things don’t apply to those of us who are ~~self~~ unemployed. In honor of a new and shiny Monday morning, I give you a roundup of the best and worst alarm clocks imaginable. There are alarm clocks that fly, ones that make tea, ones that run away and hide forcing you to hunt all over the place for the blasted beeping devil, ones that cook you bacon, ones that force you to do math (yuk!), ones that shred cash, and one that forces you to defuse a bomb in order to turn it off. Some are unspeakably inspired, and hold the promise of a morning filled with dozy, cozy, breakfast-food-laden wonder. And some make medieval torture devices look like cuddly terrycloth duckies.

We shall begin with the latter.

See, my biggest problem is that any alarm clock will rouse me to a sufficient state of wakefulness to turn the alarm clock off. In fact I’ve gotten incredibly good at silencing my alarm clocks (all 4 of them) without actually waking up. That’s not the problem. Waking up, in fact, is not the problem at all. My problem is that somewhere between waking up and getting out of bed, I tend to lose an hour or so just snuggling down in my lovely lovely comfy bed. (Admittedly, while I desperately want to sleep in the swinging-hammock-lawnchair-nest, it would make mornings 10x more difficult). Wakefulness is only half the battle. So an alarm clock, which requires that you actually arise from bed, holds the promise of being horrifyingly effective. Yes, it’s true, you have to stand on this in order to turn it off. Designer: Sofie Collin & Gustav Lanberg.

In a similar vein Shake-up; the Dumbbell Alarm Clock forces you to lift weights in order to turn the curséd beeping off. What a barbaric way to start your morning. This is evil, pure and simple from the 8th dimension. Fred, you are based in my home state! Why do you promote such horrid torture devices???

On the other end of the spectrum we have the Teasmade alarm clock, which wakes you up in a civilized way, by brewing you a good morning cuppa. (Floral wallpaper, and tassled curtains not included). You can buy it at Swan.

This thing, however, is cruel and unusual punishment. Imagine being woken up by the nerve-shredding drone of a mosquito every fucking morning. Fortunately this abomination does not seem to be available anymore. The product page is dead. And good riddance!

The Danger Bomb Alarm Clock is… well quite clever actually, but also absolutely wicked. Theres no snooze button, and in order to stop the noise (loud recorded explosions, in case you were wondering) you have to ‘cut’ one of the wires according to a randomly generated code. I get the whole stimulate-higher-brain-function method of waking up in the morning but this seems…. excessive. It’s available in Japan, but as Engaget points out, good luck getting it through customs! And for the love of god don’t bring one back in your carry on luggage!

But then theres the Speaking Butler Alarm Clock, which uses the dulcet tones of Jeeves, aka Stephen Fry, to gently urge you out of bed. It has 126 different messages recorded by Stephen Fry hisownself. Here are some of the phrases (click on the links to hear the message):

You can get it at Thinkgeek for $69, under the name Good Morning Sir Alarm Clock, or from Hammacher Shlemmer for $99 under the name The Speaking Butler Alarm Clock. Striking similarity of product, don’t you think?

This one shreds cash until you stop hitting the snooze button. Horrifying little object!

This thing is pure evil, but it is also, fortunately, not real. But it’s a vile and cunning idea. The SnūzNLūz Wifi Donation Alarm Clock connects to your bank account over wifi and donates money to a charity you hate until you stop hitting the snooze button.

ThinkGeek, it sounds great! But how does it really work?
Glad you asked….it’s quite simple actually. The SnūzNLūz uses the very complex psychological phenomemon known as ‘HATRED’. Basically it’s human nature to wish harm upon your enemies. Similarly, it’s human nature not to give your enemies gobs of cash so that they can grow big and dominate the world with their totally wrong, stupid and invalid point of view. ThinkGeek realized that. That’s why everytime you hit the snooze button, the SnūzNLūz will donate a specified amount of your real money to a non-profit you hate. The problem of sleeping in is solved. Also, ThinkGeek people, you are evil evil monsters who should be locked up in order to prevent ideas like this from taking root in the real world!

This is The Tyrant, and it surely is aptly named. The idea is that it will shame you out of bed. You plug your cell phone into the alarm clock in the evening, and when the alarm goes off you have 3 minutes to get out of bed or it starts randomly dialing numbers in your contacts list. Alice Wang Design is responsible for this monstrosity, and if I had my way I’d rig every one of these to dial Alice Wang, personally, every morning at 5. That said I do actually think this is kind of brilliant. It would sure as hell work on me. Just a sadistic sort of brilliant. Via Unplggd.

But why end on a note that will guarantee major emotional trauma among all my readers (both of you)? I present you with balm for your bleary monday morning souls. Behold, the healing power of BACON! This wondrous invention is called the Wake N Bacon and I adore it. Unfortunately I can’t yet buy it. This is how it will work, when Matty Salin gets it to market.

Just put a couple strips of pre-cooked bacon on a paper towel in the teflon cooking tray the night before, and set the Cook Time for 4 minutes. The bacon can be left out overnight with no problem since most of the moisture has been already cooked out of it, and there’s no preservatives besides the fact that it is salt-cured and smoked like all bacon is. Set your alarm for 7am and by 7:04 your bedroom is filled with the strong aroma of cooking bacon. You can then use the included tongs to pull out the cooking tray and eat the bacon without getting your fingers greasy.

Ron Swanson needs one of these STAT! Do I think this is a fire hazard? Yes. Do I think this means horrid grease spots on your sheets? Yes. Do I care? No. Put this up on kickstarter immediately, gentlemen!

Well Puffin, I hope these will help the gainfully employed make it to their gainful employment on time. I never thought I’d say this, but I envy you all.